Why Conflict Patterns Form in the First Place
When a conflict comes up, big or small, do you ever notice a voice in your head saying “here we go again”, or feel yourself watching your patterns play out, somehow unable to interrupt them? Many people find that over time, their relationships develop consistent patterns in conflict in how they fight and how they connect. As humans, we need routines and habits to feel safe. If everything changed every day, we’d be so flooded with new information that we couldn’t slow down and process. We’d feel perpetually overwhelmed and disoriented. Our bodies need consistency, which is part of why we end up stuck in the same cycles.
You might notice that you and a partner have a consistent pattern for connecting, such as watching a specific movie together, going to a restaurant you love, or having a certain kind of sex you know you enjoy. That same dependability shows up in conflict, too. We reach for the coping strategies that feel most familiar, and in doing so, we start to create and recreate a pattern for dealing with distress. These conflict patterns often mirror what we learned from our family of origin. If you watched your caregivers avoid or repress anger when things got hard, you might find it difficult to share your feelings directly. We can’t do what we’ve never learned. The good news is that humans are remarkably good at learning new things. So let’s look at how to interrupt those deeply ingrained patterns.
A Scenario Worth Sitting With
Imagine you’re headed home from work after a long day. You’re looking forward to the evening with your partner, dinner, TV, just being in their presence. Then your partner texts: “I totally forgot I have a late meeting tonight, I know we were gonna hang out, but I have to stay at work.”
Notice what happens in your body as you read that. What do you feel? How would you respond?
Some people shut down immediately. A thought like “I always end up doing things alone” or “I knew I shouldn’t get my hopes up” surfaces. Others might feel immediate anger and call their partner right away. Some feel a mix of disappointment alongside a genuine desire to support their partner, or annoyance that gets overshadowed by hopelessness. There are so many ways our brains and bodies respond to threats to connection. At the core, we’re trying to maintain safety and closeness with the people we love, and when that feels threatened, we respond with whatever approach has kept us safe before.
The Dance Partners Do Together
In emotionally focused therapy, a therapeutic approach developed by Sue Johnson, we look at the “dance” partners do together. We zoom out to see how, when one partner steps back, the other steps forward. Or when one steps forward, the other steps forward even farther until they’re crashing into each other. There are all kinds of dances, sometimes taking turns pursuing or retreating, other times staying firmly in their roles. Understanding the dance helps couples see the conflict pattern they’re creating together. Once you start noticing the pattern, you can start taking steps to change it.
How Our Brains Anticipate Conflict
If something has happened before, our brains expect it to happen again. If your partner regularly cancels plans for work, you might find yourself anticipating it before it’s even happened. We try to guess what will happen because that can feel safer than being surprised. And there’s nothing wrong with that. In my work as a couples therapist in Oakland, I’ve noticed that simply naming a pattern often relieves a huge amount of pressure from a relationship. Even when the pattern takes a while to shift, seeing it unfold and talking through why it emerges can deepen connection and understanding between partners. Once you understand your conflict patterns, you have some agency about what to do next.
How Couples Therapy in Oakland Can Help You Change the Dance
In couples therapy, we work to understand how a conflict pattern has emerged and how partners are dancing together now. Changing a pattern might involve learning to tolerate distressing emotions, practicing reaching out for connection even when you feel shut down, or making intentional time to feel your partner’s care after a fight. I became a couples therapist because I’ve seen how genuinely transformative it is to work with a partner through change. In couples therapy, we may have complex challenges, but we also have more people in the room to help.
If you’re ready to get support changing your relational dance, we’re here.
Working through conflict patterns in relationships is hard to do alone. Our team offers couples therapy in Oakland for partners who are ready to understand their dynamic and actually shift it. Schedule a consultation. We’d love to talk through what you’re navigating.